I Paid a Visit to My Old Life

My life began when I hit a brick wall. I left the safe nest of my home and went to college and I didn’t look back, I didn’t even hesitate before walking out the door. Looking back, I would definitely call myself selfish for the way that I acted, but how many college students are purely selfless? Not many, not really. I think part of our experience in college comes from being selfish, and I also think that some opportunities would slip right through our fingers if we weren’t selfish a time or two.

When I think about my years in college before I had my son, I begin to miss it. I miss the times when I had nothing but myself to worry about, or when I could stay out as late as I wanted or get carelessly drunk without a thought, but I only miss it for a second. When I think about my time in college, these things don’t matter, not really. What I really miss about my life before are my long walks in the rain with my headphones in or the trails I used to wander down between my classes, trails that led deep into the forest behind campus and felt worlds away. I miss when I could take care of myself first.

Once my son was born, I didn’t take care of myself first. I didn’t realize how isolated motherhood could be when mothers slip between the cracks of the world while everyone gazes at the new human life among them. My life surrounded my new baby and I never gave myself so much as a second thought. After a while, this kind of thinking began to tear me down and I felt so lost in my new identity as a mother that my heart started aching for the life I knew before I became pregnant.

There were countless nights where my then-boyfriend and I would lay in his hammock until 3 AM and talk about our lives.

There were endless days where we would look at each other and spring ideas about spontaneous adventures that would fill our days with so much excitement.

There were ceaseless kisses that only ended once sleep ripped us away from each other.

When I began to miss my old life, I felt guilty. What kind of mother wishes she could go back to the life before her child was born? My guilt began to drown me until I realized that I was constantly pouring from an empty cup, I wasn’t taking care of myself enough to be giving away pieces of myself as much as I was. And so, I started deliberatly making changes in my life.

Shifting some attention to myself has taken a while to try to do, and the proof of that is the fact that I’ve been working on this short blog post for nearly four months. The truth is that there is so much guilt and shame while figuring out the tides of motherhood, and society doesn’t apologize for that. If we make a different parenting choice than those around us, then we are definitely and without-a-doubt, wrong. Part of gaining my confidence as a mother and as a woman has come from realizing that my baby is mine, he is not the world’s baby. With this in mind, I have been able to take a stance in my parenting decisions and shift the dynamic of who I am into one definition: Good enough. 

I embraced the shift in my life from single college student to fiance, from fiance to wife, and from wife to mother. I embraced the stretch marks and my newfound low tolerance to alcohol. I embraced the nights where I wake up constantly to hold my precious child as he struggles to find his peaceful sleep again.

Yes, I paid a visit to my old life, but I wouldn’t change a second of my life now for anything.