To say this past summer was rough is an understatement. This past summer pushed me to my limits, and that’s the kindest way that I can put it. Besides the stress from school, the stress from being a full-time mom (because what other choice do I really have?), and the stress from feeling unworthy in all aspects of life, I woke up one day feeling like I made a mistake.
I’m going too fast. Sprinting, really. I ran headfirst into this beautiful life that I have and although I don’t regret being where I am now, I began to wonder what other 23-year-olds are doing. Do they look at me and think that I have it all? Or do they breathe a sigh of relief that it’s me pushing a double stroller and not them?
Before I go any further, it’s important to understand that the feelings I had (have?) were normal. Many parents may wake up in a panic and wonder if they made a mistake by becoming a parent at all, and I struggled with this during the summer. During my breaking point, I tried explaining my life to my therapist between sobs and excuses like I’m just tired or I’ll get over it.
“Victoria,” My therapist spoke softly to me so I would stop and listen to her, “You’re depressed, stressed, anxious, and you feel alone. And that’s okay, we’ll work on that.”
Hearing those words helped, but only slightly. I knew that I wasn’t alone (right?), but it certainly didn’t help the depression to slip away any faster. I gave into the feelings of unworthiness and pain, making mistakes that I will carry on my shoulders for the remainder of my life, but I was trying to feel alive. As a teenager, I struggled with depression and frequent thoughts of suicide. One suicide attempt was enough for me to decide back then that I had something to live for in the future and now here I am, depressed once again, but chasing life instead of drifting away.
It’s weird, isn’t it? To feel so empty but also full of life at the same time. Like two parallel sides of my mind battling it out for my heart every day.
Months and months of trying to find the source of my pain led me to a pretty damning answer: my life included ZERO self-care. Sure, I did things for myself, but there is a huge difference between watching a movie for pleasure and binging TV to forget about the world outside my window. So, step one to changing my life? Identifying what was keeping me scraping the bottom of my cup and what was actually filling it just a bit.
I started by poking around in my old journals and seeing what sparked my joy in the past few years. What did I take the time to write about? Late night adventure stories were scribbled on many pages, pressed flowers in others, with song lyrics smeared across more pages than I could count. Faded polaroids of memories I never wanted to forget were taped page after page, the smiles of the people I once knew now nowhere to be found.
Depression is lonely. It’s isolating in and of itself. Not many people want to stick around and see you attempt to duct tape your life together, but I guess that’s also where you do the most growth. Your strength kicks in, survival skill-like almost, to save your own life from yourself. I needed to start filling up my own cup in order to survive. So, I made a few huge changes:
- I started going to church, whether I wanted to get up or not.
- I went for a run everyday.
- I read books for pleasure, not for school.
- I found a babysitter so my husband and I could go on REAL dates.
- I made myself feel beautiful.
Going to church changed the entire game for me. Our incredible pastor at our chuch spoke of redemption from our own pain, and asked those in the room struggling with depression and/or suicidal thoughts to raise their hands so that the church could offer help. I sheepishly raised my hand in a room with thousands of strangers (not an exaggeration, it’s a huuuuge church), and I closed my eyes as I did so. Out of everyone in this giant room, one woman came to my side and asked if she could pray for me. As she prayed for my health, my heart, my family, my marriage, my schooling, and so much more, I began to cry. I still felt alone, in pain, and broken into a million pieces, but I didn’t feel invisible anymore. Not to this woman standing next to me, and not to God.
Running damn near saved my sanity. With my husband at work for most of the day, the time that I have when he gets home is split into couple time, family time, me time, school time, and the many chores that need to be done. At the end of the day, there isn’t much time for anything. However, I own an amazing double stroller that my boys love riding in, so every day I load them up with snacks, water, and fans to keep them cool in this Texan heat, and I hit the dirt track. I run until it hurts, or I feel empowered, whichever comes first. But after doing this for a few months, I can see how running has been an amazing escape for myself that I will try to never give up.
I have to read so much for school, and it’s not just a textbook, it’s a book book, research articles, and the Bible on top of it all. It becomes exhausting and easily drowning for anyone to see. But one day I stepped out of the shower to see the newest book from one of my favorite authors (While We Were Dating by Jasmine Guillory) sitting on the bed with a note from my husband that read, “To my beautiful wife, I know the days are hard right now but hopefully this will help with that.” And it sure did. Reading books for my own pleasure gave me the perfect escape to another world and left me feeling happier. I now make it a goal to read at least ten minutes every night before bed!
Never underestimate the power of a good babysitter. Once we found a babysitter to watch our boys, my husband and I were able to go on dates and explore the city more. Having this alone time together not only made us feel like a stronger couple, but we felt more confident as individuals as well. We felt human, and that feeling is so important to have.
And finally, #5 was so important for me. I made myself feel BEAUTIFUL by taking care of myself for real for the first time ever. I bought clothes that fit my body now, not my pre-pregnancy body that still laughs at me when I look in the mirror. Wearing clothes that fit me made me feel more confident and happy with my body now. I bought makeup and watched YouTube tutorial videos to figure out how to put on eyeliner and bronzer correctly and although I don’t wear makeup everyday, I have so much fun dressing up when I want to. And the list goes on and on: I got my nails done, took care of my hair, started getting waxes, bought a bunch of beautiful scrunchies, played around with lipstick colors, wore dresses that the kids may spit-up on but who cares, and I FELT beautiful just the way I am.
I’m not going to lie, I’m still not 100% happy, but I am closer to it than I think I have ever been. My cup is filling up little by little, I’m feeling more like the beautiful woman that I am, I’m feeling a little more worthy than I did yesterday, I’m killing it with my classes, I’m a really good mother and wife, and most of all, I’m feeling beautifully & brokenly human.
Over Mountains & Under Stars 
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