Free

I’m scared. A lot of the time in this life, I’m just scared. Not necessarily scared of the big questions like, “When am I going to die?” or “Do I love them or not?” kind of fear, but a, “Is yellow really my color?” fear. Doesn’t make sense, I’m aware of that, yet here I am fearful of whether or not people can tell that the shirt I’m wearing is five years old with a slight coffee stain on the sleeve.

My stepfather told me a few years ago that life isn’t (shouldn’t) be about finding ourselves, but about creating ourselves, and the reality of that thought chips away at me every day.

Am I doing enough as the person I am? Am I traveling enough? Are my posts on Instagram pretty enough? Am I pretty enough? 

The questions that swirl through my mind are relentless sometimes, but every decision I make shapes me into who I am today, yet the biggest question of all still haunts me.

Am I enough? 

The answer is hell yes, I am. I have spent most of my life terrified of the fact that I may not be enough for the people around me, from my peers to my family, and I know today that I am. A few months ago, I was listening to a Bethel sermon of the week, and the pastor was speaking about relentless prayer. The kind of prayer where you get down on your knees and speak out to God, and you don’t get up until the prayer is answered. At first, this idea of relentless prayer didn’t make sense to me, at least until I realized the question I’ve been asking my entire life needed an answer from relentless prayer.

I decided to try something I had never done before, and I got down on my knees and spoke out to God about my insecurities. I spoke out to Him as if He was sitting right beside me, and I asked to be healed. I asked for growth and for the brokenness in the foundation of my heart to be pulled back together with something stronger than tape and glue. There hasn’t been many times in my life where I have felt the warmth of God’s presence next to me, and this night was one of those nights.

In the midst of my praying, I could feel a presence beside me. I felt unconditional love and warmth reaching out and laying an arm across my shoulders. As I sat on my knees on the carpeted floor of my bedroom, I knew that there was a loving presence sitting beside me, and I felt completely at ease.

As I smiled, slow tears making their way down my tired cheeks, I heard three words that pulled the broken pieces of my soul together.

You are enough. 

There was air in my lungs, a sigh of relief on my lips, and I felt whole. Whole, healed, complete. I didn’t feel alone or broken anymore. Those three words were spoken through the warm presence beside me, yet I heard them as if someone was on their knees next to me, speaking loudly into my ear.

I was free from the bondage that had tight hands around my neck my entire life. I could breathe, I could laugh, I could feel beautiful in my own skin. I knew exactly what had to be done next.

It is time for me to live like I am loved. I am free to live the life that God has intended me to live, and I can chase the person inside of me who God has made me to be. I can go and live like I am loved, like I’m free, and stand tall in this image of who God wanted me to be in this world. I realized I am strong enough to chase this breath of life that God has given me.

I am enough, and I am free. Finally.

“For you were called to freedom.” -Galatians 5:13